Sunday, September 2, 2007

What to look for in a shidduch

Sephardi Bochur (no relation to Sephardi Lady) sent me an email:

I know your blog is about shalom bayit, but I was wondering if you could please ask your bloggers what to look for in a shidduch.

Bloggers and commenters, here is your chance to help singles make wise choices.

Let's divide the question into three:

  1. Defining the qualities you seek, in other words what to put on "the list;"
  2. Whether or not to agree to an offered shidduch; and
  3. Is the person across from you "the one?"
Send links to blog posts at mominisrael at


anonymous mom said...

In the category of what to look for, in order of importance:

A. kind, considerate, flexible
B. Parents of this person have a good, stable marriage. Well-adjusted family upbringing.
C. good listener, supportive, sense of humor.
D. Similar Hashkafa, Similar level of intellect, similar ideas about child-rearing and money.
E. Respect for authority.

married to child of divorce said...

Anon. mom:

While I agree that #2 would be nice, I know plenty of people who had good role models in their parents and couldn't pull it off, and also others with problematic parental relationships who have succeeded

Chaya Tova said...

I think that it is more important to look for character traits rather then specific details . My husband and I got married even though if we would look at each other via details or lists we wouldn't have even gone out with each other. I never wanted to marry someone who dealt with computers he would have never gone out with a Russian girl from Brooklyn. (another problem with the sidduch system vs. meeting each other socially).

I don't recall where I heard this but I think it was rather smart. Look at how your date treats your waitress...that is how you will be treated in the future. Respect is one of the most important aspects of marriage.

Tamiri said...

Get married young enough, to the person of your choice, so that you can grow together into a cohesive unit which you both enjoy.
Make sure you both want to be married (to each other) and have each other's children. Be willing to dedicate yourselves to that goal ad 120.
There seems to be too much science going into the "picking a shidduch" issue. I don't get it.

Regular Anonymous said...

Anon. Mom

So are all the children of divorced parents doomed to never marry? B"H, my siblings and I have long term, stable and happy marriages despite the fact that our parents did not.

Other than that I like your list of what to look for.

One things that really impressed me about my DH when we first met was that he really listened to me and took me seriously. That's a great quality in a partner.

mother in israel said...

You all make good points. I agree with mtcod. One factor to consider is that stable parents are better able to support the couple in various ways.

I also agree that character is more important than superficial definitions; however, there are plenty of men who would be nice to the waitress and treat their wives like dirt!

SephardiLady said...

The person you marry is a person that you are going to discuss near every subject under the sun with and share every emotion with. I think the sign a dating relationship is going in the right way is that you are comfortably able to open up and you feel respected and cared for even when you disagree.

Mo'ah Kemo Efro'ah said...

what to look for?

not high maintenance

Notsofrummie said...

hey mo'eh kemo - you just knocked out most of the girls in flatbush off the list. Im with ya - definitely dont wanna high mantenence chic who spends more that 10 min puting on mascara. they are tryin way to hard to impress and expect the best.

Anonymous said...

not so frummie - you say that now but clearly you dont know how long it takes to achieve a natural look :)

Miriam said...

how about (1) attractive(ness)
(2)a good heart
(3)ability to commit to long term goals
and (4)respectful

My husband and I are totally different. Husband never got punished for hardly anything, whereas I came from a super-reserved home. Somehow we are doing well! (this may not be the norm, I guess).

a.m. said...

B. Parents of this person have a good, stable marriage. Well-adjusted family upbringing.

just to clarify, i meant either/or.

Mo'ah Kemo Efro'ah said...


"you just knocked out most of the girls in flatbush off the list."

that's why i broadened my horizons--and got a boro park girl.

Notsofrummie said...

I have heard those natural looks take a while. i know it takes me a while to mess up my hair before i go out.

Mo'ah - HaHa , really broadening your options i see lol.

mother in israel said...

Let's keep the discussion in general terms please!!

Anonymous said...

Does that mean no-one should marry me because my parents had an acrimonious divorce?

mother in israel said...


Or even worse, only marry others who are also children of divorce!

Anonymous said...

I just wrote a blog entry about something related...I'd like to hear your thoughts about it.

Dr. Rona Michelson said...

The most important things to look for in a match can be summed up in one word: "character." Is this person a "mensch?" Does he/she have character traits such as honesty, caring, kindness? Does he/she honor commitments, treat family members with respect, show up on time? Does he/she watch what he/she says, making sure not to hurt others? If you disagree, can he/she listen respectfully to your point of view and is he/she able to come to an understanding with you? Does he/she dress neatly and keep him/herself clean? The most important thing to remember is "what you see is what you get." If there are things about him/her that bother you now, they will not disappear and will likely get worse. Don't think that he/she will change for you even if he/she loves you. If there are problems before, there will be bigger problems after the wedding.

IsraLuv said...

i am still looking for my bashert...but this is my list
1.Show me dont just tell me what I want to hear. Actions speak louder than words.
2.Respect- respecting others in every possible. way even if their way is not our way.
3. A Spiritual soul to balance out my very "this is how we do it" mentality.
4. Ambition - i want someone to want something in life and to go after it. I want a go-getter and not someone who waits for things to happen to them.
5. A twinkle in his eyes

Anonymous said...

To Israluv:
A spiritual soul and a go-getter are usually contradictory. It sounds like you are a go-getter; find a more spiritual partner who is willing to be influenced your nature.