Would a warning have helped you?

Some of you have written that you had second thoughts after you got engaged, but felt under pressure to go through with the marriage. Were any of you warned about your future partner? Sometimes, people withhold valuable information because they feel it will be ignored anyway. feelings can result no matter the outcome.

Did anyone tell you the truth about your husband before you got married? If so, what was your reaction? If not, do you think it would have helped?

Important information: Please read before posting.

This blog provides support for women in difficult marriages. It is not meant to take the place of professional marriage counseling or halachic advice. When commenting, please choose a user name other than anonymous.

Should parents tell shadchan about the son's bipolar disorder?

I have copied an excerpt of a letter to Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis. See the link for the entire question; she doesn't seem to have responded yet.

. . . Now, here is our dilemma: Are we obligated to tell the shadchan, the girl and her family? My husband and I are conflicted. I say “yes”, but he argues “no”. According to him, the moment we say the words “Bi-Polar’ we terminate all his chances of a decent shidduch. Moreover, my husband feels that since he has been totally well since he started on medication (and that has been five years now) there is no reason to announce a problem which is no longer present. He also argues that if the girl and her family find out about this and as a consequence she refuses to see my son, it will devastate him and he will regress. On the other hand, I am not comfortable leaving the situation as it is. To me, it borders on deception. My husband and I have been literally fighting about this. The conflict has destroyed our shalom bayis and I really don’t know what to do. I was thinking that we should consult his Rosh Yeshiva, but my husband pointed out that the Rosh Yeshiva is the first person people turn to when they seek shidduch information, and if he is made aware of this problem, he will have to reveal it – and the same holds true of the Rov of our shul, so as you can see, we are in a terrible bind.

What would you tell this couple to do?

I posted some comments about this here.

Resource in Jerusalem

Amy left the following comment on A Mother in Israel:

I think a blog is a great idea. It might also be a good place to let women know that there are resources for those women who need more than just a blog. Lev Habayit, in Jerusalem, is a Counseling Center for orthodox and Charedi women (although no one checks) who are in difficult marriages. They provided short term counseling, consultation with a Toenet Rabbanit or with a lawyer, and consultation with an education specialist (for child-related issues).There is a nominal fee of 30sh. per visit. Lev Habayit can be reached at (02)622-2339.

Important information: Please read before posting.

This blog provides support for women in difficult marriages. It is not meant to take the place of professional marriage counseling or halachic advice. When commenting, please choose a user name other than anonymous.

Grappling with my Father's Mental Illness

One of the commenters mentioned a husband with a mental illness.

From Aish.com:

When my parents met, he showed some red flags but in her innocence, my mother thought he was fun loving and eccentric. He was good looking, charming and had a great sense of humor. My mother says to this day that they truly loved each other. As time went on, his symptoms grew worse and when I was born, the pressures of family life became too great. He went from doctor to doctor, physiatrist to physiatrist and they each prescribed him different cocktails to curb his moods. So began his lifelong chemical dependencies.

I think that either Aish or the author was dependent on the spell-checker and thus ended up with "psychiatrist" instead of "physiatrist."

That aside, please share your thoughts on the article.

Important information before commenting:

This blog provides support for women in difficult marriages. It is not meant to take the place of professional marriage counseling or halachic advice. When commenting, please choose a user name other than anonymous.

Rabbi without a Cause on Shalom Bayit

Rabbi without a Cause responds to a comment on Shalom Bayit:

I do want to respond to a particular comment on the Shalom Bayit blog: “Most of us have sought rebbinic authority in regards to our marriages, and have decided to stay married. That being said, most rabbis are delighted at the decision and that it is for them.”

I’ve heard this theme before: “The rabbi just wants the couple to stay together.”

I will acknowledge that there are several reasons why a rabbi might be biased against divorce. . .

Read the rest here.

Important information: Please read before posting.

This blog provides support for women in difficult marriages. It is not meant to take the place of professional marriage counseling or halachic advice. When commenting, please choose a user name other than anonymous.

A joke for Tzipporah

I found it here, at Harry Leichter's Jewish Humor site.

Rabbi Rabbi Albert H. Friedlander of England's Westminster synagogue, who is known for his soft, melodious voice, often tells this story when visiting a community and preaching a sermon.

"Before I begin my sermon (talk), I must make a confession. It is not really a confession, because you have already begun to realize that I have a soft, quiet voice. To be honest: IT PUTS PEOPLE TO SLEEP. And why not? A fifteen-minute snooze might help a congregant far more than anything else I can do for him or her.

However, I really object when the president of my congregation always falls asleep within two minutes of my starting the sermon. Once, I challenged him: "Max, WHY do you always fall asleep as soon as I begin to preach?" "Rabbi," he said firmly, "I trust you."

Source: Rabbi Albert H. Friedlander

Parents disagree about kids going to gan

A request for suggestions and support from "disfunctional." I believe that this commenter does have an issue of shalom bayit, because the wife is dissatisfied with decisions the husband has made about raising the children.

Where does someone go if their problem is not so much overt shalom bayit.

in my situation, we send our kids to gan, husband learns and works, we get help from my in-laws. But i'm left pretty much useless. While I had hoped to spend these years raising the children, being a stay at home mom and all that goes with it... the fact that i needed some help here and there when the baby was a baby already deterred my husband from allowing me to have the kids at home. As time went on, my confidence wanned. Now I just sit at home. Me. A people person. I know this may not seem like a real problem, but try feeling useless -especially unfulfilled in the area you hoped to be fulfilled in-and you'd understand.

Its like for me everyone seems insensitive to help me -even myself!

I feel like i'm gently forced into the only option- work. Forget what I wanted work -not that i'm afraid of work. I was in corporate America for a long time. I just wanted to raise my children.

well, I hope to hear from somebody about this. Thank you.

Blog critics

I have been asked whether I consulted a rabbi for a psak (halachic ruling) before starting this blog. I don't feel I need one, because I am not going to be giving halachic advice or even directed guidance. I am not responsible if people write things in the comments section that are against halacha, any more than if someone turns on a light in my home on Shabbat. Every Jew should ask his or her own rabbi before following advice that might be against halacha, whether suggested on the Internet or anywhere else.

There already seems to be a core group of posters who know what they want out of this blog. In my experience, when people write things that are out of line, others step in until it gets straightened out. If that doesn't work, I will delete comments.

Impact on the children

s.t.f.t.c. asked about ways to minimize arguing, and another commenter mentioned discussing with her daughter what to look for in a marriage partner.

What are ways that women in difficult situations can a) encourage a positive atmosphere in the home to help the children grow up emotionally healthy b) overcome an unhealthy marriage model, in order to choose wisely when the time comes? and c) accomplish this while allowing the children to maintain respect for their own father?

We are your neighbors and friends, sisters and cousins

In one poster's own words (via Babylox; emphasis added)

There is great, silent dignity in the choice to stay married. There is also great dignity in divorcing if that is deemed best. The point is that there are those who have commented about Halachic approval on your new blog. There are those who are squeamish about this completely. I would just like all to know that we are your neighbors and friends, sisters and cousins. We do not share this with you. If this blog for us does not work out, at least I hope you will come away knowing that we exist silently among you and that our experiences are never, never talked about openly. For those of us who are experiencing it, I hope we can help each other for the time being.

Welcome!

This blog was inspired by some comments on Babylox. Many women in the Orthodox community suffering through difficult marriages lack an outlet to discuss their challenges. The purpose of this blog will be to give these women a home for them to share their stories and get "chizuk" (strength) from one another.

I am going to try to keep my voice out of the discussion as much as possible, so the success of this blog depends on you. Please post suggestions for future posts in the comments or send them to me at mominisrael@gmail.com with the subject line "shalom bayit."

As most commenters will be anonymous, please assign yourself some kind of code name when you post here.