Saturday, July 21, 2007

Would a warning have helped you?

Some of you have written that you had second thoughts after you got engaged, but felt under pressure to go through with the marriage. Were any of you warned about your future partner? Sometimes, people withhold valuable information because they feel it will be ignored anyway. feelings can result no matter the outcome.

Did anyone tell you the truth about your husband before you got married? If so, what was your reaction? If not, do you think it would have helped?

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This blog provides support for women in difficult marriages. It is not meant to take the place of professional marriage counseling or halachic advice. When commenting, please choose a user name other than anonymous.

9 comments:

Ambivalent Imma said...

On a related subject, did you feel pressured into having children?

Ambivalent Imma said...

Mother in Israel, please feel free to publish a separate post on the subject of being pressured into parenthood if you feel that that subject is too far removed from your stated topic.

Anonymous said...

I definitely didn't want to have children.
they are too much responsibility. My exhusband skipped out on me and left me alone with a ton of problems. Every time I see a pregnant woman on the street, I feel sorry for her. When I was looking for shidduchim the second time around, I made a point of saying to all the shadchanim no more children. Many of them couldn't handle it. But to thine own self be true.

Anonymous said...

This post comes at an interesting time becauseI have a friend who recently divorced after only 18 months of marriage. I am trying to be sympathetic but the truth is all the things she went on about him before married became negative now that the marriage broke down. Before it was "its so ncie to see how close he is to his mother" now its "he has a sick unhealthy relationship with his mother". She wants to blame people for not warning her but the truth is that in a lot of things she saw what she wanted to. I personally dont think that people should ever say something except in the case of obvious things like known abuse, theivery or whatever but otherwise keep your nose out.

mother in israel said...

mbivalent imma, I think that the question of ambivalence about having children is relevant for this blog only in the context of a difficult marriage.

Anon 1: No one should have children if they don't want to . I hope you found your bashert with # 2..

Anon 2: It doesn't sound like anything could have been done to prevent the situation. Sometimes people need to learn from experience, and sometimes things do work out.

Anonymous said...

A resounding Yes! My ex-husband's Rosh Yeshiva and family withheld the fact that he had suffered from mental illness since his teenage years. They wanted to see him get married and did not want to believe how serious the situation really was. I only learned about it after the marriage. He could no longer hide how ill he was once we were living together. Despite many attempts to get him the proper help, the situation eventually became dangerous and I had to take our two small children and leave. Now I am trying to raise the children on my own with no support what so ever from him, his family, or the Rosh Yeshiva. Despite the attempts of several rabbeim, I cannot even get a Get. And to top it all off, one of my children is showing potential signs of having inherited some of his father's issues. Had I been warned about his history, I would have made a very different choice and two small children would not be paying the price of that information having been withheld.

mother in israel said...

Anon 3--What a sad story. I hope things get better for you soon.

Anonymous said...

thankfully i had wonderful parents who saw the signs of a very unhealthy relationship. They went to a well known Rav and relationship therapist and with his guidance - they refused to pay for our wedding. B"h we broke off our engagement and even though I am looking for my barshert I am so much better off alone then married to that man.

Anonymous said...

I have bipolar and I would advise a young man or woman with this condition only to divulge the information personally to a potential partner if the relationship seemed as if it could result in marriage. Very vew people out there understand the disorder, that there are varying levels of severity and that many people, when treated successfully, go on to live completely normal and very successful lives. Who wouldn't want their child to marry someone with the talent and intellect of a Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, Winston Churchill, Franklin D Roosevelt? These are just some of the renowned people who had bipolar - and who did not benefit from the advances of modern medicine. The frum community needs to get a wake up call and realise that like diabetes, hypertension and other chronic conditions, bipolar is an illness that can be successfully managed.